Covering

".... *sigh* ..."




RING RING



"Hello.
No ... this isn't Steve.
He called in sick. I'm just sitting in for him.
I don't know ... he sounded pretty rough, but he might be back tomorrow.
OK ... Bye"




RING RING



"Hello.
No ... he's out sick.
I don't know.
I don't know that either.
To be honest ... I have no idea what he does, but somebody's got to cover.
Sure ... try back tomorrow.
Bye."




RING RING



"Hello.
This is not Steve. He's home sick.
I don't know what he's doing ... recuperating is my guess. How the hell am I supposed to know that?
Yes ... he's really sick! I talked to him and he sounded horrible.
No ... I don't think he's faking it.
No.
Listen, Dr. Spock ... if you're so freaking concerned why don't you go to his house and stick a thermometer up his ...
What?
I don't know.
I don't know.
This isn't my job, buddy.
Why don't you call back tomorrow?
Sure ... bye ..."



" ... jerk ...."



RING RING

"*sigh* ... that idiot had better not be faking it."

Traffic

I really hate being stuck in traffic. Not that anybody does, but still ...


This morning was one of those days when there was just enough new snow mixing with just enough old snow and just enough rain/ice to completely bring rush hour to a stand still. I think it took me at least an hour extra to get to work.


Of course, that went over well with the boss.


Despite that ... there are those strange moments when you are stuck in traffic when you have nothing to do but think. The radio's on, but it's just background music. Maybe you listen for the score from last night, but otherwise it's just you and your brain. Might as well be white noise.


It's always in these moments that I think really deep philosophical thoughts. The kind that aren't always welcome because they make your head hurt just a little.


I don't know if this happens to anyone else but me. I hope it does.


This morning I stared at all the knotted up traffic and swirling snow and thought ... "Where exactly are we all going?" What compels the human race to drag themselves out of bed when it feels so bad to do so, groom ourselves to these standards that who knows who invented and go out into the bitter cold for a drive to a place that we'd rather not be?


I know ... I know ... things have to be done to keep the world moving. The system is a benefit to all of us and it doesn't run it's self. It builds the bridges and keeps the water flowing and makes life better ... I got it ... I got it. But have you ever really asked yourself this question ...


What is 9 o'clock and why is it so important I be in this little cube at that exact time?


You've got to be careful because with one little question like that things start to fall apart like a house of cards. Why be there at 9 o'clock? Why be there at all? Why tie this piece of cloth around my neck this specific way? Why stop when the light is red?


Why? Why? Why? All those simple "whys" completely unravel the fabric of the whole society and reveal the truth no one wants you to know ...


This world really doesn't make any sense.


It's enough to make you lose your mind.


I sometimes wonder why I haven't lost it already.


I guess it helps that I have a firm grip on reality.





It's funny what goes through your mind when you're stuck in traffic.

Fire Drill

They've designated me to be the Office Fire Drill Warden. I guess no one else wanted to do it.
The Office Fire Drill Warden is in charge of getting people to head towards the exits in an orderly fashion whenever the fire alarms go off.



I know it's important to be safe and all, but it's a real pain. Not so much the directing people to the meeting place and counting heads to make sure everyone's there ...



... it's more the uniform.



Sometimes I think they're just screwing with me.

Corporate B.S.

So the boss comes by today (during lunch mind you).
“What are you doing?” he asks.
“Enjoying pie”, I answer.
“No … I mean here at work. What are you working on?”
“What am I working on?”
“Yes, what are you working on that will actually generate income?”
“Income?”
“Money.”
“Oh … well … I’ve got some stuff brewing.”
“Like what?”
“Ummm … there’s a play I’m working on.”
“Show it to me.”
“Well … it’s kind of formulating in my brain.”
“It needs to be formulating on paper. I want a detailed outline on my desk by the end of the day.”



This is so annoying. I don't work from outlines. This really dampened my enjoyment of pie.



So ... now I had to come up with an outline version of what goes in my head for this dimwit. Doesn't anyone around here understand the creative process?



So I put pen to paper and got to work.



And I must say that my idea looked even better on paper. I was sure he'd be knocked out by it.



Wrong.



Out comes the hat again.

I hate this place.

Not very productive today ...

... but I did get my resume done. This place can kiss my butt goodbye once this baby starts to make the rounds.

Big Brother

There's a rumor going around the office that they've installed security cameras to watch our every move to make sure we aren't goofing off.



Everyone is whining about "Big Brother" and all that, but I doubt they would do something like that.



But even if they did ... my theory is that if you've got nothing to hide then what's the big deal?



Just keep your head down and work and you've got nothing to worry about.



When I'm in the office my focus is on work.



I keep my nose to the grindstone.



Some people can't do that.



But I've got this amazing ability to focus.



To me ... it's like stealing when you waste time at work.



They are paying you to be productive, aren't they?



I give 100% day in and day out.



Why other people can't do that I don't know. It's sad.



I wonder how they sleep at night with that on their conscience.



But I seriously doubt they'd install cameras anyway. Not that I have anything to hide.

Holiday Office Party

I work from home ... so technically that's my office. My old job had a big fancy party every December. They didn't invite me this year ... so I figured I'd just throw myself an office holiday party. I've worked pretty hard this year so I deserve it ... in theory.



I tried to mingle ... but everyone just wanted to talk about work. It was really awkward and not very much fun, but ...



... eventually I got into the holiday mood.



I really only went because I thought there'd be bonus checks handed out. Nope. Thanks for nothing, Mr Ebe-loozer Scrooge!



It was a pot luck. We were supposed to make something, but I ran out of time and just brought some cheap-o store bought cookies. They didn't taste very good. I ate the whole box anyway. I'm not proud of that.



It turned out that I was my Secret Santa this year. I did a good job ... I had no clue who it was ...



... but I just wrapped up my stapler and gave it to myself. It was a pretty lame Secret Santa gift.



I tried to act excited anyway.



The party was really boring so I decided to loosen up with a drink.



Of course ... that led to another ...



... which led to another ...



... which led to another. To be honest I was a little over-served.



Things kind of got a little out of hand after that. I got a little crazy ...



... but it's not like I was the only one.



A good time was had by all, but eventually it was time to get back to work.
I can hardly wait until next year's party.

New Boss Called a Staff Meeting

My new boss called a meeting today.



I brought some paper and a pen to take notes and no one else did. You're not going to impress the boss that way, fellas!



My boss is one of those passive aggressive types so he never really comes out and says what he means.



I do this thing where I make eye contact with the speaker and hold my pen like I'm going to write something down. They have no idea I'm really thinking about cartoons.



I only caught parts of what he was talking about. A lot of corporate blah-dee-blah-blah. It was something about buying a boat I think.



I took a tiny little nap. I dreamed about cartoons. What are the odds?



He just went on and on about a bunch of crap that didn't pertain to me. BOOOORRRRIIIINNNGGGG!!!! I could not wait for it to end.



And then ... when it was over everyone starting slapping me on the back. Really hard too. I must have done something awesome, but I have no idea what it could be. Maybe there'll be an e-mail about it or something.

I can't work like this

Restructuring

So ... as part of my home office corporate restructuring I created some new positions and a stronger chain of command. I figured that the company needed a CEO, a CFO and a Director of Human Resources. In the interest of fairness I posted the jobs on the fridge in the kitchen.







Then I kind of forgot about it for a while. I was going to polish up my resume and send it in, but ... you know ... you get busy with things and you forget. I figured I had the jobs in the bag so I wasn't too worried. Then one day ... while I was at my desk working ... this joker comes up and tells me that he's the new CEO ....







Then this dude tells me he's the new CFO.







Then ... along comes the new Director of Human Resources.







WHAT THE HELL!!! Aren't I ... like ... the founder of this company and yet these three waltz right in and are handed the best jobs. I was pissed to say the least.

Well ... now that I've been screwed over you can bet that I'm starting to work on my resume (when no one's looking).







I hate this job.

Dress Code

I've been working from home for the last few months. It's been really difficult to get into a productive routine without any structure to the work day. I wonder if the mood is too casual for me to get anything done. Just look at that picture of me. I don't look very motivated, do I?
Because of this I've decided to do some corporate restructuring to make things more professional. I'm going to start running my home office like a real business. I started by adding a dress code.







As you can see things are much better now.